Can I Live? (and Love?)

“The dating pool gotta a little pee in it…” I hear this phrase often and at times I agree. In the age of self-help and self-empowerment, I’ve done a lot of emotional and mental work to deconstruct how I feel about relationships and the space that a potential someone can occupy my life. The reality is, I’m tired.

I don’t know if it’s me or if the online dating has gotten really bad but I’m just not feeling it anymore. Scrolling through multiple profiles in which I have to determine initial interest and compatibility from such a limited amount of information is exhausting. Add, that I struggle with how to convey myself to others is a conundrum in itself. Might it be, that the pandemic has inspired an existential crisis that has me guessing and second-guessing my every move?

Casual sex, casual dating, and hooking up are nowhere on my radar. Yet, I have no intentions of pairing monogamously and no inspiration to get married and walk off into the sunset. I’m polyamorous and contrary to the belief I desire meaningful, loving relationships with all of my partners. But wait, the object of simply going on a date seems to be an uphill battle when you consider all of the relationship podcast rhetoric.

What to do?

Something to consider is how capitalism and the recent inflation has impacted how we meet people. Because do people have the time, energy, and resources to meet people organically? Are we trying so hard to survive that we forget to live? Are we overly preoccupied in maintaining an image than being authentic? Is there even a space to be authentic and vulnerable?

Those are all nuanced discussions. I’m getting older, wiser, and more compassionate. I’m learning about enforcing boundaries unapologetically. So for now, I watch the waters from far away (for pee of course). I have no ambition to play the game so I don’t. But in not playing the game, does it mean I’m out the game? That doesn’t bother me as much as it should.