Heard It All Before — 10 Mantras on Dating & Relating
I’ve grown tired of articles riddled with rules to a happy life and healthy relationship. They’re mainly targeted at women and I consider them to stir up insecurities we don’t need to have. I’m not going to tell you to wear pink or lose 50 pounds (I like yellow anyway). I will share with you 10 mantras and mechanisms I’ve developed in my journey of dating and relating. Eat the meat, leave the bones.
10. Act like the letter Z and get treated like it.
When I was 19 years old (circa 2011) I received a bit of advice that I’ll always carry with me and it came from a man.
He said, “Barack Obama is the busiest man in the world and he makes time for his wife. That regla fool that you dealin with betta text you back.”
In the age of smartphones, it’s almost impossible to use the excuse of “I’m busy”. I didn’t research it but I can safely assume that the average person checks their phone hundreds of times per day. Therefore if you’re not getting a text back, or a phone call returned, the apple of your eye doesn’t see it for you.
My stance is, don’t allow yourself to be treated like the last option. You determine what “the last option” feels like.
9. Car dates and car nookie, nanh.
I’ve had my fair share of car sex and at times I reflect on those days and giggle at some of the encounters (good, bad, and ugly). But then I think about the age range of people that I dealt with. I was 20 years old dating 30 and up and there’s something very unsettling about men who don’t have a place to take you to (or don’t regard you enough to want to). Furthermore, car sex is just limited. You simply can’t enjoy the full gamut of sex in such a confined space. So now, I’m mad for the younger me, and presently (and likely in the future), I’d neva.
Car dates are not dates. It’s lazy, it’s not creative, and it lends itself to the notion that you’re not being valued! There are so many ways that you can get to know someone without spending a lot of money but when you enter someone’s car there’s a level of dominance they have over you. One time I agreed to a car date and a man drove us to the middle of nowhere and pulled his dick out (talk about uncomfortable).
I endured 6 years of being extremely low maintenance and having relatively low standards and there is no amount of low-keyness that makes car dates okay for me. They almost always result in the car owner being predatory.
8. The case of the ex — brag nor boast.
Don’t talk about your ex with me, I don’t want to hear about it (especially if the ex is a woman and the person you’re dating is a man). At the end of the day, I wasn’t in that relationship so there are nuances I’d never understand.
I also don’t jive with being compared to other women in an effort to put a type of woman down to lift me up. One time I was dating this hotep cat (think: Umar Johnson) and at the time I dressed very plain (no nails, jewelry, leggings-tshirt type chick). This boy went on and on about how I was so much better than the average chick who was more grounded in vanity than self (whatever that dumb shit means). Unfortunately, I was at the tail end of my “Pick Me” phase and I experienced a modicum of gratification hearing these words.
But what I learned is that plain or poised, men don’t have much respect for me. Ironically, the men railing so hard against materialistic women secretly want them the most.
7. Meeting the fam, blah.
Mamas, siblings, grandparents, aunties, and definitely cousins are so low on my priority list that they’re not there. I have no interest or desire to meet my partner’s family or friends nor do I place any stock in it. At the end of the day, their allegiance is to them, not you.
Plenty of mothers/matriarchs aid and abet toxic behavior. They’ll look you dead in the face knowing he brings a different woman to every family function.
Toxic masculinity tends to have a hold on many people which will have people holding secrets in an effort to appear “ride or die”. It will also have people holding on to archaic beliefs of gender roles and expecting you to fulfill me.
Like this time I went to a cookout and the man’s aunt, mama, little sister asked me, “So are you feeding our baby?” My response, “His nuts stay empty, that’s all I got.” If you could see the look of shock and disgust on their faces! When I need a pick me up, I think of them.
6. Buttholes and boundaries
Don’t let nobody poke you in the booty without your consent. Winning the “freak” award is something I no longer aspire to. Mostly because being a freak doesn’t mean doing what’s uncomfortable for me. Letting someone pound and thrust me when I’m clearly uncomfortable is not FREAKY. Anal with no prior conversation and NO PREP is not FREAKY. Having a threesome to be performatively queer is not FREAKY.
Formerly there were 2 lines that posed challenges for me (that I desperately want to dispel) “Big girls can’t take wood” and “I don’t cum from head”. I used to sit and think of ways that I can add to my oral arsenal and now (chile) I could honestly care less.
5. You gotta show me love.
My experiences as a fat Black woman has led me to this position,
I do not want to be someone’s first FAT person. (Let me repeat) i DO not WANT to BE someone’s FIRST fat person.
Not your first fat friend, first fat FWB, first fat lover, first fat girlfriend, first fat wife, none of that.
Unless you’ve unpacked your fatphobia and are actively working against all of the cultural and societal hate towards fat bodies, you do not have permission to me.
I make no concessions about it, and I extend no exceptions. I am unmoved at how attractive, plugged in, or entertaining one is. It is of utmost importance to me to protect my peace and I refuse to put myself in the path of individuals who cannot a.) acknowledge my full humanity and b.) handle me with care.
People have a right to privacy and I understand that there are varying degrees of social media usage. But it is rare that I’ve met someone who doesn’t have active social media accounts and as I evolve I’m beginning to develop different angles and how I look at it.
That being said, if you don’t parade me as your pound cake every now and then somebody is hiding something and I won’t stick around long enough to find out for myself.
4. The first 24
Within the first 24 hours of exchanging numbers with a new prospect this question has to be answered, are you monogamous or non-monogamous?
This is extremely important and it will prevent you from wasting time.
I’m non-monogamous and I’m also polyamorous. I am only interested in connecting with polyamorous people. I am not interested in any forms of unethical polyamory or anything remotely reminiscent of a monogamous dynamic.
I find that being intentional and clear helps filter out bs.
3. No need for ultimatums
Ultimatums lead to more ultimatums lead to resentment and deception and heartbreak. If a relationship is not at a place that I consider to be healthy, I will simply have a conversation about what my intentions are. If nothing changes afterward, it’s time to go. Nothing is for sure, nothing is certain, and nothing is forever (Aquemini — Outkast) and a lot of relationships are not meant to progress past certain points.
As corny as it may sounds I’m going to reference Madea. There are 3 people in your life: the leaves (that will blow with the wind), the branches (they’ll make you think that they’re invested in you but will break at the slightest resistance), and the roots (those who are going to be truly integral in your life).
People tell you who they are and what their purpose to you is, all you have to do is see with your eyes, hear with your ears, and believe in your intuition (the most important sense imo).
2. Keep your cohabiting at zero.
I have ZERO interest in sharing the same living space with a romantic partner. But if I shall, there needs to be a lot of space and equal proprietary responsibility.
- Argue with tenderness
I have been struggling with this in the past 2 years and I’m constantly working on improving the way I communicate my emotions and grievances. When angry it’s very convenient to say hurtful things that you may or may not regret later. However, just as I require romantic partners to be gentle with me I must actively work to extend that same pleasantry.
Therefore, I am manifesting these ACTIONS into my love life:
When I disagree I consider the source of my anger and process it before I communicate.
I breathe before, during, and after I express my grievances.
I do not yell, demean, or disgrace my partners.
If you liked what you’ve read, you can listen to the same take on my funky free podcast, Fupa Dupa Fly
