The Art of “I was just checking up on you.”
Old flames and Sneaky links. Love em or hate em, they always seem to hang around in the gallows. When considerable time and space have occurred there are two kinds of that exist:
- The Reserve — They’ve moved on as well. Although every now and then flashbacks of the tryst pique their interest. At most, they observe (if you follow each other on social media) and keep it moving. They likely are in a situation of their own (if non-monogamous, in a closed dynamic).
- The Panther — They reach out routinely (whether it be every 2 months, 6 months, annually) to “check up on you”. They aren’t genuinely interested in you, they’re checking the availability of that itchy gitchy ya ya.
Depending on your old flame’s previous success rate determines the approach, pursuit, and consistency. Whether you’re monogamous or non-monogamous, and regardless of your relationship dynamic, there is a way to decipher intention and avoid falling back into old habits. Here are the ways:
- Approach
Basic — [“Sup with you”, “Hey/Hello”, “Big head…”] They have little to no respect for you and they want you to know it. A basic greeting such as this demonstrates laziness and you’re considered easy bait. Used by ALL reserves and ROOKIE panthers. Rookie Panthers already have a pool of options and they’re shooting their shot this way because they don’t care if it makes or misses.
Mastery — This process is very methodical. First, Panther will start engaging you: liking your posts, commenting under your pictures (especially old ones from when you dated). Second, they will allow at least 1–2 months before they approach you, their digital presence needs to become routine to you. When they finally decide to shoot their initial shot it may look something like this: “I was watching this movie and I remembered when we saw this at the theater and you spilled soda on your shirt. How are you?”
2. Pursuit
Basic — Reply with an equally dry response or none at all. But whatever you do, do not and I mean DO NOT respond to “Hey stranger/big head/punk”. Reserves will show their hand early by commenting on your looks (I see you still beautiful as ever), or asking you if you’re single/in a relationship/dealing with somebody. Crass reserves will stoop so low and ask, “So when is the last time you had sex?” or “I was thinking about when we used to”…They’re doing you a favor and hopefully, you will respond accordingly.
Mastery — By mentioning a specific moment that you shared Panther recharges your memory. Over days and weeks, they’ll casually mention other memories to keep you engaged. They’ll ask for your input on recipes (I remember when you made that dish, can you share the recipe with me), music conversations, or relationship advice (I was having this conversation with some friends, is chivalry dead?). To prey, this may come off as innocent banter but to Panthers, this is all about emotional investment.
By providing that recipe, you take the time to type it. By debating on who had the better album: Speakerboxx or The Love Below you spend hours on the phone. By debating, “Is chivalry dead?” you have devoted energy, provided insight into your relationship outlooks, and to Panthers, it’s a matter of time before … .
3. Consistency
Basic — Reserves and Rookie Panthers want immediate results. If you pay them dust they’ll quickly fall back. A last-ditch attempt may include sending a nude, a late-night phone call, maybe even a pop-up (this an absolute no no).
Mastery — This is where Panthers “shoot their shot” and they do so by curating physical contact. No, they will not ask you to “come over and chill” or make any overt passes at you. Physical contact looks like inviting you to visit museums with them, I purchased 2 concert tickets by accident, did you want to go? bringing you your favorite food or better: a cuisine that you’ve never tried but they recommend.
Their ultimate goal is to draw you into their web to where you’re game for whatever. Rookie Panthers will wait 1–2 months max for you to come around. Skilled panthers will dedicate 4 months — 1 year to baiting you. Be hyper-vigilant because skilled panthers are more interested in a power grab than anything physical you can offer them. Trust, they do this ALL the time…to OTHER people…for FUN.
Because key emotional investment has been established with Panther you’ll be even more intrigued. Feelings that you thought were buried start to resurface. You think you’re establishing a genuine friendship but soon you’ll wonder why they haven’t made a pass at you. Now you’re dressing more provocatively when you meet up with them. You’re texting and calling them or allowing Panther unfettered access to you. Before you know it, you’re on their Instagram checking their Story, leaving your social calendar open for potential invitations, allowing them to live rent-free in your psyche.
Hold on, Be strong, recognize the methods. And if you do fall prey, shit happens.
