The Lost “O”

Demonstria cracked her knuckles and took deep breaths as she sat in the driver’s seat of her vehicle. Since arriving in front of Dr. Lyzell’s office she became overwhelmed with anxiety. Seeking therapy had been one of her priorities but she was nervous about what she would learn about herself in her first session. After months of searching for an African American female psychologist for nearly a year, she found Dr. Lyzell who specialized in depression and couple’s therapy. Demonstria hoped that she could find a solution to her relationship issues with Kato.

Higher Self: This is what you’ve been searching high and low for, get out of the car and get the healing.

Ego: Yea and when you get in there tell her how Kato aint been crackin yo back like he usta! Amongst other things.

Shadow Self: Whatever you do, don’t break down. You can speak your grievances but maintain composure.

Demonstria stepped out and walked the short distance to the office building. Once checking in with the receptionist Dr. Lyzell welcomed Demonstria in her office. Inside the office were tones of orange, yellow, and brown from the wall color to the decorations. She instantly felt a warm feeling and eagerly sat on the couch.

Dr. Lyzell: Demonstria, I’m happy that you’ve visited with me today. I’m Dr. Lyzell but you can call me Ami.

Demonstria: No, thank you for having me. I’ve been searching for a therapist for nearly a year and I’m thankful that I found you when I did. I feel as if I’m at a crossroads in my relationship.

Dr. Lyzell: How long have you been in this relationship? Can you give me some background about your partner?

Demonstria: I’ve been with Kato for 5 years now. Kato is 23 years my senior. I’m 29 and he is 55 years old. We are from different cultures: I am American, and he is West African, from Guinea. We met in a professional environment and began a rendezvous that developed into something more rather quickly.

Dr. Lyzell: How quickly?

Demonstria: A couple of months after our first date we were in a relationship. Let me cut to the chase because this is weighing heavy on my chest, and I must get it off. I no longer enjoy having sex with Kato. Actually, I hate having sex with him. I’m repulsed by him. I do not want him to touch me anymore or see me nude. I do not want to touch him either. When we do have sex, I am visibly disengaged, I don’t even try to fake it anymore. I lay there like a dead fish and hope that he climaxes as soon as he penetrates me.

I know that he’s aware of my disinterest. This has been a gradual change for 2 years now. At the beginning we had a lot of sex and I found it very pleasurable. We would have sex 3–6 times in one evening and now I only allow him to have sex with me at most twice a week. I attribute my lack of libido due to my waning interest and I no longer want to be in a relationship in which I don’t desire my partner. It’s starting to feel like I’m a human blow up doll.

Dr. Lyzell: Two years ago when you became disinterested in having sex with him did you communicate this to him?

Demonstria: No, I did not want to hurt his feelings. West African Men are very prideful, and I didn’t want that argument.

Dr. Lyzell: How has he responded to these changes?

Demonstria: He’s asking me for oral now, he never did before. “Please blow me.” That’s what he says. I’m like ewww, that’s not romantic! You never used to ask me that before. When I say no he tells me that I shouldn’t give my man a hard time. This upsets me more because I don’t want to do a sexual act that I don’t want to. I enjoy giving oral sex but not when I feel obligated. He also asks me to get on top and I’m absolutely against that. No amount of anything makes me do it. He responds, “In the beginning” or “You used to”. Then I have to get him back.

Dr. Lyzell: How do you get him back?

Demonstria: I tell him how romantic he used to be when we began having sex. How our chemistry used to be organic and now it’s not. I tell him how predictable he is and I’m bored. I tell him how weird he is for wanting head from someone who doesn’t want to give it to him. He just stands there with his limp penis in his head and I give in. I give him oral until he’s erected and I stop.

Dr. Lyzell: Does he give you oral?

Demonstria: He’s tried but I don’t allow him. I don’t want his mouth on me anymore. The less contact the better.

Dr. Lyzell: How much longer can you withstand unfulfilling sex with him?

Demonstria: Not another day. I just want a switch to be flipped in me so my feelings for his sex can be restored. I honestly think that if at least our sex life is satisfying enough, I can tolerate him. West African men are not very complex. They want to make love and eat good.

Dr. Lyzell: What if that switch doesn’t flip? What if you never desire him again? What if that switch flips, the amazing sex is restored but you’re unfulfilled in other aspects of your relationship?

Demonstria: I guess I’ll have to end it. He is a nice man that genuinely cares about me. But I don’t want to remain in a relationship trying to hold on to years. I want to feel alive every moment I’m with someone. I feel as if I’m dying with him. I mean, I am polyamorous but he’s not so he would never be okay with me openly having sex with other people. Yea, I will have to end our relationship.

Dr. Lyzell: Demonstria, now we can begin our session.

Demonstria: I thought we already we-